DIARY of A WOMAN'S NIGHTMARE by Moedon

You love me because I am all that your father wasn't. Why do I treat you like I do? Because you allow me to! Simple as that. See what you don't truly understand is I see your insecurities even though you may not be trying to show them to me. You ask yourself a thousand questions every day. But the main question should be how I got so close to your heart. You go through life with your heart on your sleeve, probably due to your upbringing. Maybe because your father wasn't there or he wasn't the man he was suppose to be! I came along and become that and more. I become your lover, your friend, your protector and everything else that you needed me to be. Being all of those things I can do what I want to in your life.

I will not give you the answer as to how to protect yourself from men like me, but I will give you the questions to ask before you end up with what can potentially tear your life apart. See you have to want to see that there is a problem first. Do you find yourself crying over this man more than you’re supposed to? Does he treat you like the bottom of his shoe? Do you only see him when you have something for him or when he’s horny? Or when he misses his child? Or maybe when he misses your head game?

Now that you might have the answer to those questions, how about these? Can you live without talking to him? You may not think so but what did you do without him before you met him? What does he bring into your life that you can't provide for yourself besides some great sex? Excuse my language but we are going to REAL TALK right now. For some reason some women believe that doing bad with someone is better than doing bad by yourself, why is that? That mentality give men like me a chance to come in and take all your money and use your house, cars and anything else we want while not giving up nothing to you but hard penis and half ass conversation. Thank you so much for that opportunity. Why won’t you step out of your situation and just watch as he only takes and not gives a damn thing? The reason you won’t is because he makes you so comfortable with being treated like shit. The same reason a PIMP takes all the money from a woman that's been putting in the work for it all night long. I’m in awe of how the human mind can control and be controlled! This man has come into your life with just a smile and saying some things that he knew you wanted to hear because that's what you told him. (Now that was a jewel, more than I was supposed to give up). Sorry guys. Can I just walk up and say “look I want to have sex with you when I want and take as much as you allow me. I want to take out my frustrations on you when I feel like it”. What would be your response to that? No? Well understand that most men mean just that when they come with that wide smile and nice body. Sending you his big penis pictures. Now if you enjoy that then by all means forget all that I wrote and email me. Maybe we can have a future together. Well at least until I bleed you dry of all that you have, and leave you for a friend or a family member.

Well until next time people!!

As always, MEN WANT TO BE ME.. AND WOMEN SHOULD RUN FROM ME!

The Break-up: When I ended my love affair with Hip Hop. By: Ayana S. Thomas

December 1979.  I was a 5 year old kindergartener who adored my mother, loved school, reading, my best friend “T” and my mother’s bi weekly Friday night fish fry.  This was a time when my Aunties, Uncles and Cousins would come over to my house and enjoy my mother’s world famous fried fish (at least it is world famous in my book), cornbread (that tasted like pound cake and still does) and potato salad.  This was also a time when I got the chance to listen to music and have a wonderful time with my family.  Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, James Brown, Earth Wind and Fire, Teddy Pendergrass and my main man Barry White were always staples at these fish frys just like hot sauce and slices of Wonder bread White bread were staples on the dinner table. 

At the time, I wasn’t allowed to have a television or radio in my bedroom but, the Christmas of 1979, both “T” and I received a Brown Fisher Price record player.  I received three vinyl records to go along with my record player.  The records were two story book records and one record that had a light blue label with the word “Sugar Hill” written in cursive rainbow colors across the label.  The record was called “Rapper’s Delight” and that’s when my love affair with Hip Hop began. 

Every day when I came home from school, I had to these words:

“I said to a hip hop the hippie the hippie
to the hip hip hop, and you don’t stop
the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie
to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat”

I can not tell you how many times I have uttered those words.  I can not tell you how many times I played that record.  The following year, I moved to North Carolina for two years so my mother could complete Nursing School.  My cousin was so jealous that I had this record that she broke the record in half.  I had such a fit that I told my mother that if she didn’t replace the record - I was going to run away and she would never see me again.  A few months later, when I came home for a visit – Rapper’s Delight was on my pillow!

Over the years – there have been hundreds of verses which my mom had to endure me playing over and over again.  It didn’t matter if they were east coast, west coast or dirty south rappers/groups.  If they had a good, bad, funny, sad or political message and were placed strategically over a hot musical track – I listened, bounced or shook my behind to it.  Until 2002.

In 2002 – I found out I was expecting my first child.  Although I was never offended by the misogyny in hip hop (artists referring to women as Big Booty Hoes or Gold Diggers never offended me because I always felt a sense of pride that I was not in those categories), when I found out I was having a son and I would be a single mother – I decided that maybe bumping to “Gin & Juice” by Snoop Dogg or “No Matter What They Say” by Little Kim was not the most appropriate music to play around my unborn son.  However, I wanted my son to have an appreciation for our music’s creativity and talent.  So, I decided I would play songs with clean lyrics or at least albums that didn’t have a parental advisory on the album cover.  I soon found out that meeting that criteria would be painfully difficult if not unachievable.

This is when I realized that I had to make a choice: feed my son with positive images of our people and ensure that his rolodex of vocabulary words had a sound foundation or give him the raw dirty look into how we view each other marred with negativity, sex objects, drug dealing thugs who worship a fictional Cuban drug lord named “Tony Montana”.  Did I want my son to think that it was ok to do a “bid” in jail or did I want him to aim high and use his God given talents to be a productive citizen?

I chose the latter and thus my relationship with Hip Hop became distant.  You have to understand, Hip Hop to me was like a drug and I was a fiend for knowing who was coming out with the n hottest lyrics so I couldn’t stop cold turkey.  I would try to tune in to the radio when my son was not around but by then artist like Weezy and Gucci Mane had entered the relationship and I was like “Really?!?!   Is it me or do I not know what they are saying?!?!  This is coming from a person who could recite Busta’s Bus verse from “Scenario”, Beat Box with the best of them and repeat Outcast’s first single verbatim “Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik” and my friends would look at me like “You can’t be serious? Outkast is whack and will not have any longevity in the Hip Hop industry!”  

Every now and then - I check in on my old love and I’m amazed at how much he’s changed.  He went from sharing a message with original musical tracks to mostly auto tuned songs created over a machine.  Maybe I was under the delusion through out our relationship.  Think about it – The Notorious B.I.G’s first number one single “Juicy” used a sample of  “Mtume's "Juicy Fruit",  but, the flip side of this coin was that B.I.G. was able to create some of the of most prolific and  relatable lyrics over his tracks in Hip Hop history.  I’m not sure if our relationship was real or always a fraud – especially after since watching the 2011 BET award. 

I was appalled that I did not know one Female Hip Hop Artist in the Best Female Hip Hop Category.  Diamond, Cymphonique, Lola Monroe and Nicki Minaj?  Of course Nicki Minaj won the award.  Who was the competition?  Speaking of Miss Barbie, when did it become cool to emulate a doll that looks nothing like us in the Hip Hop Industry?  The only reason Miss Minaj has had her 5 minutes of fame is because we currently do not have any strong female mc’s in the game.  Could you imagine Nicki vs. Lyte?   Da Brat?  Somebody please come and take over the reigns!  I can’t wait for the day that Nicki has some real lyric competition to teach this youngin how it should be done!  And the millennial generation calls this Hip Hop?  Get a clue!

I wonder did my mother and other older relatives feel the same way about R&B.  The artist of yesterday knew how to “SANG” and not moan and groan.  They knew how to sing about love and sex that allowed you to use your imagination that allowed to listeners to go back to a past relationship or want to create a new memory.  Today’s artists leave nothing to the imagination.  The romance and positive messages in R&B are gone.

As I watch Patti LaBelle being honored for BET’s Life Time Achievement award, I was thankful and sad at the same time.  I was thankful that I’ve gotten a chance to hear real Black Music and sad that my children will not.  The originality and imagination of our music that once imitated and sometimes duplicated is gone.  As for me, I bid farewell to my old love and hope that for their next mate – they remain faithful to their purpose and true to their roots.

To Hip Hop – May he Rest in Peace.

Ayana Thomas is a 37 year old African American who was born and raised in Bedford Stuyvesant, Brooklyn. She’s a graduate from SUNY Morrisville where she studied Journalism. She also attended SUNY Oswego where she studied Communications. She enjoys photography, traveling, reading, politics and beginning to embracing a talent she has been running from for years – writing.

 

Interview w/Justinah McFadden

QSM: How are you?

Justinah: I'm great. Doing well can't complain. Blessed by God’s grace. 

QSM: Tell me something about Justinah that cannot be found in your website or bio?

Justinah: I love my life! God, I wouldn't dream a better existence for myself & I am just grateful. I love my family, friends, and God. People might also find surprising that I am extremely humble, down to earth and I love to laugh. So, something that cannot be found about me on the Internet is that I am a regular human being that God allowed to do great things in this life. 

QSM: You do so much; where does your drive come from?

Justinah: My drive comes from God and the fact that I know I am put on earth for a purpose. Each day I try to fulfill that purpose. The drive is what has gotten me through rough times and the lowest times in my life. The drive is a compass and it directs me. You need drive it's what keeps you going and reaching. 

QSM: Let’s start with your reasoning for becoming a New York City Police Officer; when did you realize you wanted to do that, and why? 

Justinah: I wanted to become a Police Officer since I was 7 years old. I’ve always loved justice. In fact, the meaning of Justinah is justice so I suppose it was innate. I really believe in justice for all, equality and making the world a better place. 

QSM: I know you mentioned in your bio that you wanted to help people, but there are so many other ways to do so; why law enforcement?

Justinah: Absolutely, there are definitely many ways to help others and be a positive influence in their life. I chose Law Enforcement because I wanted to learn the real "justice system." I always wanted to become an attorney therefore I wanted to learn, and experience the true legal system. You can't pay for some of the experiences that I have experienced. There are simply some things that you cannot learn in an office. I learned a lot of life lessons from being a Police Officer. 

QSM: Have you ever had to use your weapon?

Justinah: Never, never used it. A large part of being a Police Officer is about articulation. It’s not only what you say but how you say it! 

QSM: Can you share with us your most frightening moment as a police offer?

Justinah: Quite honestly, the most frightening part is not knowing who is who. What I mean by that is that things are not what they seem. In the future I am beginning a fictional series based on my experiences with NYPD. Lastly, I will have to admit that NYPD was similar to the movie "The Departed" in a lot of ways. That is what I mean by you never know who is who! Most of the stress was internal rather than external. The reason I retired early is because the main reasons that I became a Police Officer was to help people. I felt like my existence as a Police Officer was become about.

quotas, stats, and everything else other than protecting human life. For me, I'm always about being in my truth and being honest with myself. Quite honestly being a Police Officer highly made me a woman that is more aware, informed, and honest about the problems facing this world. 

QSM: Since our initial connection, I have researched and followed up on your success. You are into everything you lady. How do you find the time?

Justinah: You make the time for the things that matter and my future matters so much to me. Just set a goal and each day do at least one thing to work towards that goal. Simply put, you just have to be serious about your life. I've learned that life responds to you how you approach it. Therefore, be assertive when it comes to your dreams and goals. Set it really high and believe you can reach them, because you can. 

QSM: Who inspires the greatness in you?

Justinah: God! Simply being filled with the Holy Spirit and knowing that I was born to be great and do something great in this life. I would have to give this all to God, all the glory, honor and praise. 

QSM: You do so much; where does your drive come from?

Justinah: That drive is just the fuel that keeps me going on. It's funny because most of the things I've accomplished were not even planned. All I did was vision and try. It's about following through and not just sitting back and wondering what you could have become. Hold yourself accountable and get it done! 

QSM: Success is very important to me; what does success mean to you?

Justinah: Success means that you are perfecting the life that God or the universe has designed for you. If you're doing that, then you're a true success in my book. 

QSM: How many books have you written so far?

Justinah: I have published six books and am currently in the process of publishing my seventh book; which is my first motivational book. Five poetry books, one Novel & lastly my seventh book is my first motivational book. 

1. Tainted Thoughts, On A Purple River

2. Collection Of Thoughts 

3. Dreaming On The Moon

4. A Diary Of Time

5. The Journey Of Love

6. The Thirteenth Day 

7. Life Is A Lobster 

I'm really excited about my 7th book and that is because it will be life changing for MILLIONS of people across the globe. 

QSM: What was the inspiration behind each book you wrote? 

Justinah: The poetry books all tell a different story. I simply right and speak my truth. The inspiration behind my novel was that it was an untold story that was an important part of American History.  The motivation behind "Life Is A Lobster" is to help others fulfill their purpose in this life. 

QSM: Are your writing anymore books?

Justinah: Yes, I have a few books lined up actually. One is my life story & I can't wait to tell my story. I’m quite certain it will be healing for many. 

QSM: In your bio you mentioned that there were three things that you have always wanted to become in your life; A Writer, a Police Officer and an Attorney. I see that you have checked off two of three so let’s talk about this third. Is that still something that you plan to do?

Justinah: Yes, I'm proud to say that I was recently accepted into Taft Law School & am currently pursuing my Juris Doctorate of Law. I'm really happy & blessed. It will be a lot of work but God will see me through. 

QSM: WOW! Congratulations!!! You must be so excited. What is next in the horizon for Justinah?

Justinah: I am focused on Law School & becoming an International/ New York Times Best Seller. I also hope to become a mother sometime this decade. ;-) God willing of course. 

QSM: Is there a mister right?

Justinah: I am currently in a relationship & he's an amazing man in so many facets. I think it's safe to say I'm in love & it's a beautiful thing. 

QSM: Thank you for doing this interview with us. Congratulations again and please keep us posted on your success. You are and inspiration to many. Queen Justinah McFadden, we salute you.

Justinah: Thanks for the kind words...

Playtime w/Jenn Watermen (March 2012 issue)

Dear Miss. Playtime

I have read some of your articles and I appreciate your straight to the point advice. I love to have rough sex. When I say rough I do mean rough. I feel the need to be slapped around, have my head banged against the wall, pinched, caned, etc. I have had my head yanked around like a rag doll. My fetish has gone as far as me having my nose broken as he had sex with me behind and my face kept ramming against the wall. My friends tell me it’s not normal and that I need to seek help. For a while they thought that he was “abusing” me until I convinced them otherwise. It gets deeper. I was raped at the age of 19 years old. My obsession for rough sex came one year after that. I am now 27 years old and my friends are trying to convince me that my obsession has a lot to do
with what happened to me.

Can you offer me any advice on this?

Vivian,
Park Slope, Brooklyn

~Jenn Waterman

Hey Vivian,
Honestly, I've been there. Well, not to the point of my nose being broken during sex, but I like things rough. Very rough. And at least around here where I live, if you're bed hopping, it's hard to find a guy to get into anything more than spanking you. Maybe he'll put a little pressure around your throat, but he's not putting any effort in.

I also was raped, but I was younger than you were. I don't know if that has anything to do with it - my best friend wasn't raped and she'd be a perfect member for our little club! I hate to even dwell on the rape at all, but I'm hoping it was just a one time deal for you, and not ongoing. Rape stirs up a lot of things, and it can surpress a lot of things. Maybe there was something in that encounter, or the therapy or other encounters you had that followed, that made you aware of this fetish.

I feel like a traitor to those who have been raped (and like a freak because I've been raped), but there are times when I'm getting off and I fantasize about it. No bullshit. I'm 27 now, I was 13 and 14 when it happened. The way our minds tick and assemble information is .... complicated, to give it the best word I can think of. There's just absolutely nothing simple about it.

You're not being abused, you're consenting. You're masochistic. Nothing wrong with that, and I see nothing that you need to get help for. It's not like you have to advertise it. So maybe if there's any way to plan - I know things can get heated and intense - but if you can keep it in mind, try to keep the bruises somewhere that people won't be making assumptions and getting the wrong idea, and it also keeps them out of your business. If you want people to know (I love talking about sex!) then sure, tell them. But no one unwanted needs to know.

If you want to talk or exchange emails, that's doable, okay?
Go live it up :)

To submit your questions and have them answered in one of our future  issues, email Ms. Playtime at queensizemagazine@gmail.com