February has traditionally been the month to celebrate
many things. For the African American
Community, February is the time we celebrate
Black History Month. We also
commemorate President’s Day. Finally,
when you walk into retail stores, you will notice the explosion of Red. Red Balloons, cards, chocolates, flowers, and
plush animals as we count down to Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Days has a different meaning for different people. Depending on your belief system and your
relationship status – you may look forward to February 14th with excitement, disdain
or indifference. For this February
issue of Queen Size Magazine – I will be kicking off a three (3) part series
entitled “Finding Love”. The series will encompass topics such as what is love,
what it takes to find and sustain love and what part you may be playing in
blocking Mr. or Ms. Right from coming into your life. Let me emphasize that I’m not an expert. A lot of what I will be sharing is from
personal experience as well as what I’ve witnessed has worked or may not have
worked for other people. You may take,
leave or ignore my tips but, if you
seriously would like to change your relationship status from single to being in
a partnership (noticed I said “partnership – not relationship? We will address that later J!) read on and
see if any of my tips or advice may work for you.
Let’s start from the top for what is needed to finding
love. Before you attempt to throw your
hat into the realm of seeking and accepting love, let’s answer the following question. What is Love?
According to Dictionary.com – Love is “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another
person. A feeling of warm
personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. A sexual passion or desire.” Urban Dictionary.com definition of Love is “The most
spectacular, indescribable, deep euphoric
feeling for someone. Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you
always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being
together because you need that person. Love is unconditional
affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when
you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each
other. When
you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no
matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because
their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other
anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion
to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about
them and miss them. Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be
better in the end. Love is intense, and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more
wonderful when you're in love.”
If you are a believer in Christianity, the bible states
that Love is from GOD. Rich Deem writes
on the Website www.godandcience.org that “GOD has endowed us with
the capacity for love, since we are created in His
image.” The Love that GOD has mandated from believers is called
Agape Love. Agape Love is selfless, sacrificial,
unconditional love.
The ultimate example of Agape Love is the love that GOD showed for all of us
when he “so loved
(agape) the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in
Him should not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16
Although GOD wants us to give the same type of
unconditional, sacrificial love to our fellow human s– we as Humans tend to
offer conditional love. The
most famous biblical chapter on agape love is from 1 Corinthians Chapter 13. It states:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it
does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always perseveres. Love never fails.”
We as Humans have moved away from Agape Love and in its
stead we practice Conditional Love.
Conditional Love is love offered based on what the other person can do
for you or based on what type of behavior the person exhibited towards us.
So now that we have defined what Love is, I will pose
theses question to you. Is which type
of Love are you willing to give to a partner?
Agape Love or Conditional Love?
Which type of Love do you seek from a Partner? Are you capable of giving this same type of
Love that you want in return? Most
people give Conditional Love but, want Agape Love. Before you try seeking any type of love from
another person -can you honestly say what type of Love that you have for the
person in the mirror? Can you honestly
say that you are so comfortable in your own skin, your own spirit; with your
past, present and future that when you look in the mirror that you love
yourself the same way that GOD has attended us to love ourselves and each
other? If the answer is yes. You are on the right track in finding the
perfect partner for you. If you have answered
no, before you attempt to try to throw your hat into the dating ring, attempt
to move forward in a budding romance or need to run like hell out of the bad
relationship that is hindering your growth and is probably detrimental to your
mind, body and spirit –
you need to look in the mirror and ask your self “Do I love me?” “What is it about me that I love?” “What is it about me that I don’t Love?” “What changes do I need to make to be
comfortable in my own skin?” “What are
my goals and aspirations for myself?” and “Will a current or potential partner
uplift me or hinder me in my quest?”
If any of the readers are like me, we can be our worst
critic. Each time we think or utter
negative thoughts about ourselves – it’s like taking a sledge hammer, chisel
and chipping away at our being. With
enough pressure and force – we may break our spirit all together. The thing about a sledge hammer and chisel is
that most times we have no idea which hit will be the blow that may cause the
entire structure to completely crumble.
The same is true about any self
defamation that we may cause against ourselves.
When we continue to speak negatively about our weight, our looks, our
hair, our finances, our lack of education, our lack of employment or any lack
thereof; sooner or later not only will
we begin to believe the negative messages but,
we will also attract people who will spoon feed the negativity that we
are already feeding ourselves. Laws of Attraction 101. We are who we attract. If you continue to belittle yourself about
what you feel are short comings about yourself – I guarantee that you will
either attract a person who will be like a mirror for you constantly showing
you all of your short comings either through their lack of love of for
themselves or feeding you the negativity that you are not only displaying
yourself but to society as well.
Instead of being concerned about having a partner or if
you are unhappy with the partner you have; This Valentine’s Day focus on the
one person that we tend to neglect.
You! Sit Down and make a list
answering the questions that I have listed above. When you have answered these questions keep
in mind that in order to receive Agape Love, you must have Agape Love for GOD
and yourself first. If you will only
feel better about yourself if you loose 20 pounds, that is not Agape Love, that
is Conditional Love. If you need to
really need to lose the 20 pounds for health reasons – LOVE YOURSELF enough to
aspire , implement and take action to lose the 20 pounds. If you only love yourself if you make a
certain salary – that is Conditional Love and that is not healthy. If it would
make you feel better about you to increase your salary
do something about but, always remember – GOD DOES NOT CARE about your worldly
possessions. He only cares about the
Love that you have for him and through your life are exhibiting the same Love
for yourself and unto others. When this
is in your spirit, then and only then will you be able to think about what you
want in a partner.
So from this point forward , let’s take the time to look
in the mirror. Really look at
yourself! Let’s not just look at the
physical attributes that we find
attractive or not so attractive but, when you look in the mirror - ask yourself “Would you date the person
that is staring back at you?” Most
people will say yes because we as humans think that we don’t posses flaws. We are
the bomb.! We are made of absolute
perfection! It is great to have a high
self esteem but, as human beings I have
a news flash. WE ARE NOT PERFECT! We always have work that we can do to make us
better. Perfections is what we aim
for. When looking in the mirror, if you
can tolerate your positive attributes as well as your negative attributes
without shame, disgust or the feeling that you want to keep any dirty little
secret (s)to yourself then you are
taking the right steps to loving yourself and finding the right partner at GOD has designed specifically for
you.
Tune into QSM’s March 2013 issue to read my next part in
this series entitled “Finding Love Part II:
Are You Blocking Mr. or Ms. Right from coming
into
Your Life?” Until then – if you
do take nothing else from this article – implement these two mantra’s in your
life:
Reevaluate Your Price Tag!
Stop being an option in someone life when you
deserve to be a requirement!
Stay
Blessed!
{Ayana
Ayana Lewis is
a 38 year old African American who was born and raised in Bedford Stuyvesant,
Brooklyn. She’s a graduate from SUNY Morrisville where she studied Journalism.
She also attended SUNY Oswego where she studied Communications. A mother of one
son, she now resides in Queens. She enjoys photography, traveling, reading,
politics and practicing a talent she has been running from for years – writing.
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